Renewing my license to dream

There comes a time in life, when we must walk away from some of the unfinished things in our lives. When we must renew our license to dream as it does reach an expiry date after getting relegated or thwarted repeatedly. It also helps to know this fact that every dream has a ‘past its sell-by date’. Knowing this helps us to discard the old and make room for new dreams, and look at the horizon with a bright new hope.

I realised this fact one day, and told myself that I must drop this idea of learning French and Kathak Dancing. I was almost obsessed with them at one point of time, and somehow could never find the opportunity to learn these two coveted activities. I would just look at these Kathak dancers moving so beautifully with all their fineries and would envy their craft. I would listen to the sweet lisping and the fragile phonetics of people proficient in French and sigh with longing to learn this language as soon as possible.

‘One day in my life…’- I kept repeating this to myself until it began to sound strained and musty even to my own ears. Somehow I could never get down to learning them, and the desire began to turn into painful longings. Well, it was the pain that finally made me stop. What am I going to gain? I asked myself. Learning French would only help me have an edge over those who do not know this language, otherwise I am not aspiring to become a French teacher or a translator. Neither do I intend to marry a French guy.

So I decided that I have to let go of this desire… and I must be happy with French chiffon, French cuisine and French perfumes. After all, learning the language can never be more pleasurable than the delights of French kissing… I consoled myself. Kathak found its way out of my heart when a backpack around the world was looking more attractive than dancing on the stage before a geriatric crowd.

A thorough soul searching was what I required. Am I living for an audience?

Perhaps I was looking at my life from the wrong end, and I needed to shift the focus of my dream telescope a little. Out went Kathak and French. BMW looked more attractive and so did the world tour.

I saw myself in a new light, and recognised the self absorbed and languid idealist in me. I realised that it takes years and years of learning and practice to become proficient in Kathak, and also a certain tenacity to hold on to such a dream. Do I have that tenacity in me? I know that I have certain restlessness inside me; I want to do too many things at one time and often end up being bored by all in the end.

Learning French required endless classes, listening to language tapes, practicing the nasal tone diligently. Learning to omit my “h” say “t” in a particular way, and eating up my consonants when they form the last letter of a word. I know so many people, who speak perfect French, but they have acquired a certain way of speaking English. I was not ready to let go of my hard earned pronunciation of English language, which after all is my first love.

Out went French, and ah…ma bien Francaise lover!

Well, today I realize that it helps to do some soul digging and know the time limit of one’s capacity. We all have our dreams that we can’t hold on to for longer periods and knowing that is perhaps the key to success and happiness.

C’est la vie.